Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sometimes the person u hate the most, is the person u'll remember the most
Labels: How i wish .
Heys darls . Last friday, i went to Siglap Sec to take my cert . My gfs tagged along too . The pix of us will be uploaded later on since i'm having my off . Yipees !
I don't know why .
Lately i watched this drama . A japanese one . So effing sad . Honest . The main character is having a disease which can't be cured and thus, she will die slowly . That's not important . The main thing is; she said that no matter how hard she tried to be optimistic and keep her family happy, she still have the thought that she's going to die . I mean . I'm not trying to say that i'm having a disease or what . Nope . Don't get me wrong . Is just that .
k . For u who thinks that u just know me, may stop reading this post . Seriously .
The part below is only for my darls who knew me for quite a long tyme . U noe who u gals are .
I don't know why .
I know its wrong for me to just throw hym away, out of my life . He's been a part of me since i was born . But as i'm growing up, he's not always there . Its lyke i can count the years he spent with me and my family . He's lyke mostly spend hys tyme and days in that place . I was young back days . I used to believe my mum's werds ' your dad is working overseas ' . I was too naive . Very . I knew the truth only when i was in Sec 1 . He was 'working overseas' thus my mum had to photocopy some documents to my new sec sch that stated hys whereabouts and why we couldn't get hys ic photostat and stuff . So one day, my teacher gave me back the envelopes that had the documents . I was curious of hys whereabouts so, i took out the documents . I was in the bus, otw home when i was reading it . I was actually shocked . Serious . I would never even think that he would be in that place . I know its wrong of me to state all this and show hys bad syde to euu darls . But i can't hold it . To whom shall i say this to . In my diaries, its all about hym . I mean its not that i can't trust my mum and other family members, but u noe what i mean . I don't have the heart to prolong this case about hym any further .
K back to the drama i was saying, no matter how hard i tried to keep my mum happy and free from any worries about hym, inside me . I still wonder how is he doing there . I wish to see hym and say hye . I don't want to be too late . God . I don't wish to lose hym . In my life, he's the one that i hated the most . Really . I never knew the meaning of hatred back days . I used to forgive and forget . Used to . No longer . That's me back days . I can forgive but never ever forget . I used to think i would hate hym till my last breath . But within these past 2 years, i think back and say whats the benefit of keeping the vengence in my heart when at the same point, its killing my heart and turn it into a black thing .
So, slowly i tried . Everytyme i met hym, i would make an effort to at least smile and asked hows he's doing . But evrytyme after the meetings, i would dream about the thing that he did which made me hate hym .
I can still remember . That morning i was getting ready to school, wearing my red cross uni . My other brothers too were getting ready to school . We were lyke rushing . Its always like that . I hate that feeling . If he never came back overnight, it means that he's been out drinking and would come back with a foul mood . Thus that morning, my mum told us to rush quickly . I really pitied her . In one hand, she's trying her best to protect us . In the other, she's .Idk . U just put in the words . We were very unfortunate as he reached home quite earlier than we expected . So, when he reached home, we were lyke scared . My heart was beating very very fast . Its lyke u don't know whats hys mood swings like . He acted very . Harsh . That's a nice way to describe hys actions . He don't allow us to go to school . When my mum rebut, he started throwing the flower vase outside the house . Due to hys act, we received a complain . Clever kan ?
Its lyke obviously the neighbours would complain about the noise he made . Its early in the morning arnd 6 am ? Who wouldn't get angry ? So, our ' frens ' came . Its been frequent . Its lyke i'm so ashamed to face them . So, after he talked thru wif our ' frens ' , he let us go . Can u imagine ? But he let us off with a warning that we would pay for our actions . I mean, its not us who called them . Haiz ~
Thus, my mum asked me to quickly rush as he might follow us . I was so scared that i hailed a cab and went to my gf's house . It was so embarrassing . But where else can i go ? My grndma's hse ? I don't want to worry her . Luckily my fren understand and came up with an excuse to her mum that i helped to carry her stuffs . Lyfe was always lyke dat . If he didn't come home overnight, we would wake up early in the morning and prayed that he didn't collide into us . Can u imagine a family that's scared of one another ? Home was not a place that i felt at peace . So, evrytyme after school, i would go to my grndma's hse to study and after my mum's finished werk, then i will mit her and go home 2gether . I would always avoid going home alone unless my brothers were already back home .
When he's by my side, i would have an uneasy feeling . The feeling of a mice towards a cat . Now when he's far away, i tend to miss hym . When i got to know from my youngr bro about hym and my mum separated, i was very elated . I think i'm the only daughter that's happy about her parent's divorce . I thought that my life was going to be peaceful and there will be no mre running away from hme early in the morning .
But when i went to an educational camp held by my school when i was in sec 4, one of the speaker asked students to raise hands if they have no parents or only one or divorced . I was actually reluctant . But i braced myself to raise my hand . Instantly, i knew my frens were shocked at that point of tyme . Till when can i lie from them ? Its of no use . Since young i heard about parents who get divorced but i never expected that my parents would be one of them . After that camp, i thought to myself that i would not let my mum suffer anymore . For the past years she had been in pain . Thus after separated from hym, i hope that she would led a normal lyfe . A new one . It was painful to see the tears coming out from my mum's eyes . Its more painful when u were in no position to help and just stare . I had been watching it secretly though my mum didn't noe till now that i saw . Her pleas, cries were too heartwrecking for me at that point . I would only lie on the bed and cried along with her . I also remember one tyme that i made her cried due to my silly action . I was otw home with my ex and forgot to call my mum . So, she was so worried that she asked my brother to wait for me at the void deck . With a happy face, i entered the house . Not knowing anythg, i smiled at her . Her eyes were all red . She told me that she was worried that i would be in danger or did anything silly with my ex . I was the eldest and i couldn't show bad e.gs to my ynger bros . She also said that i was lucky enuf that my dad haven't reach home or else i would be dead . I was so touched but i couldn't help feeling guilty for making her cry . Since that day, i went back hme straight . My ex did get bored but i couldn't explain to hym the reason of why im doing this .
Its 3 am already . I'm still thinking of hym . What's he doing . Is he ok there ? Did he get into any trouble ? How i wish that i can just go and meet hym now . Apologize to hym for all those rude werds that i've said to hym . As days past, i always pray that God make me healthy and be able to see hym in the future . I don't wish to lose hym . Gosh . My mum is sleeping beside me . If she just know that i cry to slip thinking about her and hym, she would be worry right ? I shouldn't do this . I should be strong . For me and for my mum . I should let go of the past .
So sorry for making u darls to read this such lengthy post . So emo ar feezah . hahahahh . Some of u might be thinking why is feezah writing this ? To gain sympathy ? Nope . Not at all . I just want to share my inner feelings to euu darls . Especially to my gfs be it in 4e1, 4e2 or 4e3 . I love euu girls equally . I know that we seldom meet thus that's why i post it in my blog . Hope euu darls treat me the same way as before . Just treat this as a regular post with just emo werds . Hehehehhehe . See, i'm smiling oready . So, u should also smile . Kay kay ? I think off for now . Need to bunk in . Eyes are too tired already . Mawns peeps .
